Blah to the Grocery Store.

This evening I thought I would go to the grocery store since the walmart I stay at night is not a super walmart so the food choices are limited.  I usually avoid grocery stores unless I am in the middle of nowhere and there is no other choice... And luckily then they are super small grocery stores.  The grocery store didn't go so well...

I have never figured out the fear of grocery stores... The pure panic I have when I see that much food.  I guess not wanting to have anything to do with food and not feeling I deserved food made it all too much. It was something my nutritionist and therapists I have seen have tried to get me to work on.  I use to have a weekly assignment to push a cart down every isle of the grocery store. I didn't have to buy anything just practice walking thru the store.  I have the habit if I go to a grocery store I can only walk around the perimeter and maybe the frozen food isles... I worked up to be able to take a couple steps down a regular isle and on a really good day be able to walk down certain isles. I can also walk thru the grocery store if I am with someone else, don't have to push the cart or buy anything.  And for whatever reason I can walk down the isles in the grocery section of a super walmart.  

I will never forget the first time I had to go and push an empty cart around the store.  I lived in Miami Florida and went to the grocery store down the street from my therapist's office.  It was one of those city grocery stores where the isles were small and cramped.  I was doing pretty good with my first couple of isles and then I went down one isle and this old man was taking up the whole isle.  I said excuse me and he didn't move.  I said it again and he still didn't move.  I thought I could turn around and get out but by then people blocked my other way out.  I was stuck in some sort of grocery store nightmare.  I panicked and yelled excuse me and ran the poor old guy over.  I left the cart at the end of the isle and left the store.  Sounds quite funny now but the panic was real.

Anyway, tonight I walked into the grocery store and first there were no baskets.  I try not to push a cart and usually only buy what I can fit in my hands but I thought the small basket thing would do today.  Well that threw me off.  Then everything was not in the correct order.  There wasn't that nice open space with the produce... Which is where I like to start.  It was full of stuff everywhere.  So I thought I would walk around the store and leave.  There were isles going in every direction and not a clear outer circle... The main isles had boxes on top of the shelves a couple feet high.  I got to the other back corner and was stuck.  The last isle was frozen food and again not an open space. There were quite a few people and carts and not enough space for me.  So I walked back the way I came and left.

I am quite frustrated with myself.  I couldn't do something so simple even after years of work. :/  One day I will figure it out.  Tomorrow is another day.