Daily Walk

I am trying to walk daily to get ready for Amazon.  I'm not all that good at being consistent but I did take a couple of walks this weekend.  I usually take a gravel road across the street from where I am staying.  I was excited to see the horses and donkey much closer this weekend... they are usually back by the hill and you can barely see them.  I had two beautiful days... clear skies and I went early enough that it wasn't too hot.

Pictures from Saturday:

Pictures from Sunday:

This picture is from where I am staying in the early morning as the sun was rising behind me.

Got to see the cute donkey and horses again.

I love the open spaces and the feeling that I am the only one for miles around.

Ugh!

Some days are a bit frustrating.  No matter how hard I try to make my skin stop crawling it doesn't stop. Some days are sensory overload.  Probably from stress which leads to nightmares and flashbacks and then having to be around people while helping my friends in their old time photo shop.  It just all takes it's toll sometimes.  I went for a walk and took a ride to the next town and walked around but it didn't help. I could literally run into walls and I wouldn't feel better.  I really need to get myself a weighted blanket to help calm myself.  Spent some time with my boys watching the Golden Girls and just kept myself safe.  It is hard because it is so easy to slip into self harm.  I have learned to just sit with it but it is soooo very uncomfortable.  

The day ended quite beautifully with another amazing sunset.  Life is good even with the challenges. 

Got All 48!

Blue and I have now been to all the lower 48 states!  Woohoo!!  I did a 9 day trip of over 2700 miles from Montana to Idaho, Utah, Colorado, California, Oregon and Washington back to Montana.  What a hot but beautiful adventure.

Blue had a few things fixed on her along the way.  Stopped in Twin Falls Idaho to see why the battery wasn't charging and had to have the voltage regulator replaced.  Then the next morning I realized I needed a new rear tire so in Salt Lake City Utah I got a new rear tire and they showed me that Blue's belt was about to break.  All the teeth were either almost completely off or missing.  So I had to get a new belt.  They said I needed a new sprocket but didn't have one.  The closest Harley shop with a sprocket was Grand Junction Colorado... It was all good since I needed to go into Colorado for one of the states I was missing.  So the next day I went to the Harleynshop in Grand Junction.

Then we left there went back to Salt Lake and headed west on 80 thru Nevada.  Each day was in triple digits.  Finally in California when it was 111 degrees I decided the boys and I needed a hotel for the rest of the afternoon and evening.  It was much needed.

The next night we were in Biggs Junction Oregon where it never got cooler than 97 degrees, no wind and no battery power for the fan.  Talk about a yuck-o night.  Didn't sleep much at all.  Then the last night back in Butte Montana it was at least 20+ degrees colder and I was freezing.

The scenery was beautiful and I wish it wasn't so hot so we could of traveled some more but it was just too much for the boys and I and we headed back to Virginia City Montana where I will be working the rest of the summer.

One thing I need to work on is drinking water.  I am really bad about drinking anything when it is hot and I was quite dehydrated when I was done with the trip.

Here are a few pictures from our ride.

Crater of the Moon Narional Park, Idaho

Bonneville Salt Flats, Utah

Tahoe National Forrest, California

Mt Shasta in the background, California

Biggs Junction, Oregon

30+ miles outside of Spokane, Washington

Just on the Montana side of I-90 after going thru Idaho.

Relationships???

What is a romantic relationship??   This is what I have been thinking about for quite some time.  I can't quite figure out if it is needed.... Or if maybe the relationships I have had were such duds I have no way of knowing what that would be.  Unfortunately, I seem to get bored quickly... Just haven't found the right type of person yet I guess.  Other than my first relationship, which lasted almost 2 years, I usually last about a month and then something goes to a place that is just not acceptable for me.  I just don't see the point in being in a relationship where I have to change or feel less than in any way.  I have had an abusive relationship with myself most of my life.. I have also been in crap relationships (romantic and not) where I was verbally, emotionally and even physically abused and I have no tolerance for anything remotely close to that anymore.

Recently, I was in some sort of relationship with someone over distance.  I loved the fact I had someone to say good morning to and who said good morning to me... Someone to talk to throughout the day... And someone to say goodnight to.  We would chat, talk on the phone and skype.  It felt like someone actually thought of me.  Then I made the effort to meet in person and it wasn't much of anything and is done.  

I guess what I like is to have someone think of me.  Where I am priority in someone's life and they are the priority in my life.  I have never been someone's priority.  I have made many people my priority when really it should of been working on myself... Or maybe it wasn't the right person to make my priority.  Maybe priority isn't the right word.  The first person I think about when I get up in the morning and the last person I think about when I go to bed at night... The person I think about to make me smile or to feel comfort.  Not priority over my own needs but someone who is the one I want to think about, be with, talk to and know everything about.

Sure, all relationships have compromises but what is ok to compromise?  And if I never feel truly connected how can one be intimate?  I usually zone out and whatever has happened before I've know anything has happened.  Obviously never been with anyone who even realizes I'm not there emotionally... Or maybe doesn't care.

So, is this a search worth searching?  Other than the intimate part of a relationship... Which I miss out on anyways.... Is there anything that I can't get from my friends?  No, I will not be the priority or whatever that is with my friends but they are there if I need them and I'm pretty sure they think about me and I think about them.  When I think about them I smile and I feel comfort and safety.  And we usually know all there is to know about each other... And I have friends with different interests... So I know who to talk to or do things with that would interest us both and go to someone else for other things.   

I have friends all over the country and love visiting them all... Some are more close than others.  Some I feel like I am home and some I am just visiting.  Some I can talk to about anything and some I have to sensor myself but I do love them all.  

Most of the time I don't feel like my life is missing anything but on occasion I feel like I need something more... But what?  I don't want a traveling partner... And I don't want to get off the road and live in one of those houses that don't move.  So what do I feel I am missing??  Is there anything missing?  Is it ok if I feel nothing is missing?  Sometimes it is hard to decipher my own needs from what society tells me are my needs.  Is a romantic/intimate relationship a need or a desire... And is it for everyone?  Or is it a fear that holds me back?  And if it is a fear, how do you even go about conquering or even knowing it's a fear if you can't find a person to conquer it with?  

Life is sometimes a mystery to me.... All I know to do is let life happen and not be afraid to go with it when it does.

Moving Forward

I am feeling a bit better today.  Started working back at Wallace Street Photo in Virginia City Montana today for a few days a week until Labor Day.  Keeps me around my Montana friends and family and keeps me busy along with some other contract work.  So we will see what strange people I will meet these next few weeks.  I was just happy I wasn't mooned, didn't have to deal with grumpy parents or misbehaving children today.  Everyone was quite pleasant,  always enjoy spending time with my coworkers.  So life is getting better and will get better every day.  Life is good overall.  I just hate those days or weeks where I loose myself... Never quite sure if I will find myself again.  This evening I am going to enjoy the sunset.

Here is the sunset from last night.

Lost

I'm lost... I can't find myself.  

I can't sit still... My patterns comfort me

Red hard candies, no mixing of food

Touch one side and then the other

Counting, rocking, staring into space

This is not where I want to be

This is not comfortable for me

It is familiar... a strange feeling of home

Maybe I don't deserve any better

Maybe I am where I belong

I feel bad, feel worthless, feel sad

I can't remember how to get back

This is not where I want to be

This is not comfortable for me

I try to speak but feel muted

I try to fight but feel hopeless

My needs fall on deaf ears 

To those telling me how to be

I've been here before and they haven't seen

This is not where I want to be

This is not comfortable for me

I keep fighting

For what... I'm not sure

I get lost... hopefully not for long

Each time I get lost I am closer to me

I have to remember I've done it before 

Today I'm not where I want to be

I will hope tomorrow I will find me

Right Foot In

I have been gradually loosing my happy place.... I am quite proud that I had a happy place for around 9 months.  That is the longest I have ever been happy... Not content but truly happy.  Maybe with an off day here or there but could get myself back within a day or two.  This time I am having a harder time coming back to my happy place.  I have realized each time I allow myself to step further back in to society is when I loose my happy place.  I don't have a need to fit in, to move up the ladder to no where, to be someone that is not genuine.  I don't want to put on that mask to please.  I want to just be me... The odd, out of place, sometimes emotional me.

What keeps me stuck in society?  Is there a way to pull out... To live life without all the nonsense?  What are the fears holding me back?

Is it a fear of being alone

A fear of not being accepted

A fear of being happy

A fear of being successful 

A fear of who I truly am

A fear of not being heard

A fear of being forgotten

For whatever reason I keep my right foot in... My dominant foot in society.  My dominant foot is in so when people judge me it hurts... When people don't respect me it hurts.... When people think I am someone I am not it hurts.  Instead of putting my left foot in... My non-dominant foot.  Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.  Maybe I could still be in society but not take it so seriously.  Take it for the nonsense that it is.  Be happy with who and where I am in life instead of comparing myself to others. 

I may never be able to leave society completely, even though it has been a dream of mine, but I need to put my left foot into society and put my right foot, my dominant foot, into being myself.

100,000 Miles!!!

In Bismarck North Dakota Blue hit the big one!  100,000 miles!!  I can't believe it!  They are all mine!  What an amazing adventure so far.  Can't believe it was just 6 1/2 years ago when I decided I was going to learn to ride... I took the class and the next week I bought Blue.  I just can't get enough!  I had to drive around the block a few times to get her to turn over in a place I could stop and take pictures.  Here in the next few days Blue and I will have hit all 48 lowers states.  Another great milestone.  Just Utah and Washington to go.

Life is good!

Mary!!!

For those of you that don't know... I have a bit of an obsession with the Mary Tyler Moore Show... and Rhoda... and the Golden Girls.  So of course while I was in Minneapolis I had to take my friend on the Mary Tyler Moore tour.  hehe

The far building on the left is WJM... where Mary worked.

Up top there is the restaurant Mary is eating lunch at during the credits

 Being Mary... hehe

These would of been windows Rhoda would of worked on.

Mary and Rhoda's apartment... Mary in the front on the second floor window with the gate.

Rhoda's apartment would be in the top of the cone.

Of course a picture with Mary!!

 


Then I had my friend be the lady who stares at Mary in the middle of the street... pure entertainment.

Gotta love my friends who will take a day and follow me on my weird obsessive adventures. ;)

Gotta Love Judy!!

I was sooo very excited to finally make it to the Judy Garland Museum in Grand Rapids Minnesota.  It was the week before the Judy Garland Festival they have every year and I was disappointed that part of the museum was closed for renovations for the festival.  Anywhos... here are some pictures.

This room was closed because they were redoing but heck if I was going to be there and not get a picture of the carriage from the Wizard of Oz. ;)

This is Judy's birth home... the living room.

The sign on the steps said that is where Judy and her sisters would perform.

I was a ghost in the mirror at Judy's house. hehe

Yes, that is Judy on a 2 wheeled motorized machine. :D

There wasn't many Judy memorabilia which was disappointing but it was a short fun stop on my way to Minneapolis.

Mackinac Bridge

I have had quite the traveling adventures this summer... sorry I am a bit behind.

I finally rode thru Michigan at the beginning of June on my way over to Minneapolis.  I have only crossed over the state line once to eat at a Burger King or something so I could say I had been to Michigan so I was really excited I decided to drive all the way thru and cross over the Upper Peninsula.   I knew going I would hit the Mackinac Bridge and that the bridge was part concrete and part grated but I figured I could do the concrete portion.

The whole way thru Michigan was absolutely beautiful and when I got to the bridge I was a bit nervous.  When I got on the bridge and realized the concrete portion was under construction a bit of panic came.  Riding a motorcycle on that grated stuff is scary enough... add a trailer and I thought I was going to die.  The bike rocks back and forth and so does the trailer making the rocking more intense.  Luckily it was slow because of construction but not too slow.

I was so excited when the concrete portion opened up and I went right over.  Then the orange buckets started to appear again and I had no idea how I was going to get from the concrete to the grate without dumping the bike.  I saw a biker in front of me who made it on the concrete portion until it was concrete and concrete.... so I figured I would do the same.

So here I am driving down the concrete portion as the lane is getting smaller and smaller.  I would of been ok if it was just Blue... but Blue and TicTac not so much... but hell if I was going on the grated portion.  So I started hitting one orange bucket after another with TicTac until I finally made it to the all concrete portion of the bridge.

I made it to the toll and the biker in front of me left me a dollar... guess he was impressed by my orange bucket fiasco.  haha... I survived and that is all that counts... doesn't matter how I did it... just that I did it!  One thing I never have to do again. ;)

Mackinac Bridge

Blue and TicTac next to Lake Michigan

New Home for Randall

A week ago I found the perfect home for Randall.  We were both at a breaking point.  We were both not happy with each other and there comes a point in time where quality of life needs to be looked at.  I was about to put him to sleep because no shelter would take him and I couldn't find him a home.  I didn't want him to die all by himself and figured this would be the best way... so he would be loved until his last moments.  Then a friend of mine here in Montana said she could take him in.  I was so happy... and her home is full of loving animals and he will be sooo happy.  I didn't cry as much as I thought I would and I am at peace knowing he is in good hands.  I have gotten a couple of picture updates and he looks like he is making himself at home.  Nube and Poco seem to be doing well without Randall... I was scared Nube would be sad but he seems unfazed.  Guess we all knew it was time for a change.   Now there is 3.

Here is the last picture of Randall and I.