Freedom!

I feel so free these last few days.  I want to create again which is something that can be smothered quite easily.  My heart feels light and I am happy.

These last few weeks I had to deal with an abusive person... She was just unhappy.  I don't know why I put myself in those situations.  Some can't be helped, like growing up in a verbally and emotionally abusive life.  This one I could of helped by leaving but I was trying to help my friends and working at their business.  I just kept thinking it wasn't so bad... She was just unhappy... That I somehow could help her feel more welcome.

She was in her 50s but acted like a child with this weird little girl voice that would come out and the need to be the center of attention.  She kept telling me she felt like a second class citizen when she refused to be a part of the community.  

She called me a waif daily.  It was not meant as a compliment from her.  I have never begged or taken from anyone but I refuse to be rude to people who are willing to give.  I also try to give back to those who give.  I might not be able to pay or give them an object in return but I can help with their computers, other needs or just be a friend when they need.  This drove this lady insane.  She didn't understand why people wanted to be around me or feed me or give me anything.

She obviously had no idea what my life has been like.  Many years were spent feeling I didn't deserve food.  I would not eat when people would invite me for dinner because I felt I was not worthy of their food... That their food would be wasted on me and someone else would not get enough to sustain.  In reality, they of course made enough for everyone and they truly wanted me to be nourished.  It took years to teach myself that I am worthy of food... That I deserve as much as anyone else to eat, have people care for me and to allow people in my life.  I always feel so blessed when someone invites me for dinner.  I love the company and the friendship.  

She also doesn't know what it is like to live with nothing.  She has a retirement and a savings.  I only have what is in my checking account and that can be as low as a few dollars.  Just this last February I had $70 to my name with no job.  I was lucky to find a job shortly after which saved my life.  I never know from month to month what it will be like.  If I will have enough money to eat every day.  Some months are great and have enough to do what I need to Blue, for myself and even put a little away for another month and some months I have next to nothing.  This has been my life even before I hit the road... It is less stressful on the road than living in one place not knowing month to month when there was rent, utilities and other bills to worry about.

Everyone kept telling me she was jealous.  Not sure why she wasn't happy with her own accomplishments.  She was successful in her career, she is a full time RVer, and has people who love her.  I guess for some the grass is always greener on the other side.  

Maybe she was upset that I had many friends here and she did not.  I was here all by myself and lonely last summer.  Had very few people I talked to until a week before I left.  This year everyone remembered me and it seems I have friends everywhere.  I have also been lucky enough to have people visit which has never happened before.  So very exciting for me.  She was seeing something that had not always been true for me but something I have worked on and is finally coming full circle.  It takes a lot for me to be social... I'm not a people person.  It is something I have been working on in the last year.  I have met many amazing people that I truly love and not afraid of stepping outside my comfort zone to meet new people.  Most have been great experiences but a couple have not been so good... Well, really 2 have been just not nice and they have both been in the last couple months.  In the last couple of months I have met some really great people who make those not so good people a small blip on the radar.

Finally this abusive woman left.  I finally feel free.  Every lesson I learn I feel more free.  This must of been a bid one.  Letting go of other people's judgement.  I have many things on my list I want to accomplish and have been working on them.  I am pulling myself out of my comfort zone and creating.  In less than a month I will be completely out of my comfort zone for a couple weeks while I go to China. Another amazing experience that was given to me.  I am helping some friends transport their children to China.  A great exchange.  They get the help they need and I get a new adventure.  

Keep yourself open to life and the adventures will come!

Ruby Reservoir

Had a good couple of nights up at Ruby Reservoir.  It isn't far from where I am staying for the summer in Virginia City.  The other workamper and I went up there and there is free camping.  Quite beautiful. We attached TicTac to her Class C since we weren't quite sure what the roads would be like.  Not bad roads at all and I might just take Blue and TicTac up there on my days off to get away.  Here are a few pictures.

The first night we made spaghetti and hot dogs.  I actually "cooked" hahaha

Went for a short walk the next morning.

That's us!

Saw a Bald Eagle and an immature Bald Eagle.  The last morning I thought the immature one was coming after my boys.

Here is my friend's rig and TicTac at our site.

The 2 Bald Eagles

The second night we tried the Hobo Shrimp Boil.  We needed more seasoning but it was edible.

Chilling on the last night. 

 Poco and Nube resting after a good couple of days.

Talk of Suicide Brings Nightmares... Learning to Love Life

Nightmares... The talk of suicide gives me nightmares.  My heart pounds out of fear of the comments I will read or hear.  I am thankful Robin Williams was loved by so many people... Including me... So I don't have to hear or read the negative comments about suicide.

Suicide is something  that has always been in my life.  Depression is something I deal with often and suicide makes it into my thoughts.  When I was 9 my grandmother committed suicide.  I will never forget that day and the comments I heard on the days that followed.  My 4th grade teacher the day after my grandma died was reading the paper and my desk was close to his, he looked up from the paper and asked me if I knew the stupid woman who killed herself.  I told him that was my grandma.  The kids at school all told me she was going to hell.  It was hard for me to hear that about a woman I loved and never thought of her doing anything wrong.  I didn't understand why she would go to hell and spent many years doing all I could to be "good" in hopes I could get my grandma into heaven.

Then in the 8th grade my great grandparents did a murder suicide.  By this time in my life I was pretty numb but it was still hard.  I remember a classmate come up to me and asked if that crazy man was related to me.  The school counselor told me how brave I was because I didn't cry and was able to come to school everyday not knowing I was completely numb.  I also had an uncle thru marriage who killed himself the summer before and a cousin who tried to commit suicide a few years after.

I remember being small and wishing to be dead and maybe that goes thru everyone's mind at some point.  I couldn't of been 5 and would hide in the closet and tried to suffocate myself.  Where I got that idea is beyond me.  As I got older the thoughts didn't go away but got worse.  I would cut my wrists and carry around a bag of pills I stole from my parents medicine cabinet just waiting for the courage to go thru with it.

As a young adult I was over medicated by psychiatrists to the point I didn't know where I was or if I ate that day or what I wore the day before.  I was on so many meds I lost that little voice in my head that would tell me that probably wasn't a good idea.  Cutting got worse and so did my eating disorder.  One day I wanted to know what it felt like to be hung.  So I bought a rope and tied it around a doorway in my apartment... It was a makeshift wall so the wall and door didn't attach to the ceiling.  I put my head thru the rope from my tiptoes forgetting that I would have to be higher than that to get myself back out.  I was stuck in the rope for what felt like forever on my tiptoes with no chair around or a phone.  I can't remember how I got myself out but after that I told my medical team I was done being on meds.

I have been in multiple psych hospitals from a day to a few days because I was put in there with no choice.  I hated how I felt like a criminal as I was strip searched and watched like a child.  My last winter before hitting the road my therapist wanted me to go into a day program so I wouldn't be by myself.  By that point in time I was done with being babysat and I told her no.  

Unfortunately depression is something I manage every day.  That is why it is important I get out of bed and have something to do.  That is why I don't do nonsense stress... In life or in my job.  Nothing is worth having to talk myself out of the demons in my mind.   Most days I am good but some things can trigger and it feels like I am back to step one of keeping myself safe.  I live each day as bonus because that is what it truly feels like.  I feel fortunate to be alive... To have survived my demons thus far.  I also know not to take the days for granted and that is why I hate when my days are wasted.  I do well but it doesn't mean depression will never get the best of me... Even as I know how to manage there are days where I am scared I won't make it thru.  I am thankful for all the days I made it thru... Maybe not unharmed but alive.

Depression truly sucks... Sure you can learn to cope but I hate it when people tell me to just deal.  They have no idea of what I have to "deal" with.  I have learned what I can handle and what I can't.  Living on the road has been the best medication for me.  Every day is an adventure and something to look forward to.  My stress level stays low and I have been truly happy... I have never known what true happiness was until living on the road.  A few months ago I met up with a friend of mine.  I was nervous as to what she would say about my lifestyle.  She told me my life wasn't normal but if I was happy then my life is what I needed.  I am happy most of the time... Yes, I have dealt with bad days and even a few bad weeks but it is nothing like it use to be.  I don't take that for granted and still use my coping skills.  In general life is pretty good.

The nightmares come and in a few days will be gone.  Sometimes I still feel like that child... When someone gets upset or down I fear that they won't stay around... That they will kill themselves.  The nightmares come not realizing maybe not everyone thinks like that.  Some people can have bad days and they are just that.  It isn't the end of their world.  For me, after being someone left behind because of suicide, it is hard to realize that not everyone's first response is to kill themselves.  

I hope one day mental illness will be taken seriously.  It has improved over the years but no where near what it should be.  All insurance companies need to cover mental illness and no one should be denied treatment.  My theory is every child should have at least a year of therapy before graduating from high school.  Really... What would it hurt?  Having someone to talk to but also learning to cope with life.

So here is to another day of happiness... New adventures... And living life to the fullest.  Life is good!

New Friends

This last week was just awesome.  I met some really great people.  First I met Ara and Spirit.  I have been following them for a few years... before I hit the road.  They travel around the country with their BMW and sidecar.  I saw they were in Ennis and asked if they would come over the mountain to Virginia City and say hi and they did!!!  I was so very excited.  Check them out on their blog at http://theoasisofmysoul.com

Then I had a new Facebook friend who I met from another Facebook friend when I was talking about how I was going to China.  Renee is on a journey around the US with her dog named Lillie.  She and Lillie happen to be coming by Virginia City and I offered her a place to stay for the night and a shower.  We had a great time talking about China, wandering the cemetery and having a few drinks.  You can check out her blog at http://www.lovedbylillie.com.

Then this weekend I met some other Facebook lady biker friends in Bigfork Montana.  It was a great day for a 580 mile ride and loved meeting new friends.  We did a short ride and had lunch.  I hope to see them again in my travels.  Two of them were from Mexico and traveling the west on the motorcycles and the other was from Seattle who joined in the ride to Montana.  Lots of fun!!

Makes me smile when I can meet people.  That is what I miss sitting in one place but so happy I was fortunate enough to meet these 5 people this week.  Life is good!!

Victoria... I just don't know

This weekend I thought I would treat myself to some new bras from Victoria's Secret.  I don't do that very often and would rather just go without.  haha..

I went in and asked for some help telling them I was a biker and lived on the road and needed something breathable and supportive.  The lady brings me back to the fitting rooms and measures and brings in these bras... all I could say was "OMG those are HUGE!!!"  She cracked up laughing.  I didn't have boobs until at least my late 20s so it is always a surprise but these I still think are too big.  

She leaves me a few to try on and I just didn't get it.  It had like a 1/4 of an inch of foam in the cup... what is that for?  As a biker I could see it 2 ways... either it was a winter bra or one that expands when it gets wet.  I am an all weather rider and get wet a lot, I couldn't imagine what would happen when that foam gets wet.  Either it would expand like those toys you get and put in water and they expand into a dinosaur or something or they would begin to sag because of the water weight.  On top of that how is that breathable??  

I told them again I was a biker and would rather go without and finally they started to get the point and found some bras without the weird foam.  

People just don't understand that my life is about convenience more than style.  Even though as time goes I am gradually finding my convenient style. 

My hair is short because I don't get to wash my hair every day on the road.  It could be a couple of weeks before it gets a good washing.... and when I do wash on the road it is just a gallon of water and a bit of soap.  No time for conditioning and all that other stuff.   I'm totally not one of those people who can stand long dirty hair... I can barely stand short dirty hair.  This is why being bald was so nice.  

And then the monthly visitor was always a struggle as a biker until I found the Diva Cup.  All those pads and tampons just soak up water.  hahaha... I would get stuck in the rain and those things would suck up all the water in the seat... talk about uncomfortable.  I think I might have actually gotten rid of the constant UTI I would have because of things like that since using the Diva Cup.

With limited space for stuff and resources you have to really think about what you are doing and what you are buying.  Clothes have to be multi-purpose.  I have 1 bag for clothes that fits in the trunk of my bike.  So having something for every occasion is not possible.  Do I really go anywhere where I need to dress up... no.  Is it something I feel I need... no.  My clothes get worn and greasy fast so cheap is always what I go for.   No reason to spend big money on something that will only last a week without stains and a couple of months without holes.  I would eventually like to get out of t-shirts but I have to find something that I can work, ride and play in.  We will see.  

My life is about simplicity... how little I can bring to give me and the boys the most space.  I learn new things every day.  I love the fact I can go thru a store and not buy a thing.  Something as simple as a bra could be a treat.  

Loving the simple life.

2 Years!!

I can't believe it has been 2 years since I left the rented apartment world.  That is well over $20,000 in rent and electric bills.  Just remembering what I moved into after leaving my last apartment.

I lived in Rosendale NY in a shed... a plywood shed for 3 months.  August to October.  It was cold and wet.  I had no electricity in my room, no heat, a leaky roof and it was small.  Makes TicTac seem like the high life.  hahaha  I took showers in the yard at night with a gallon of water and soap.  I had to use the "nature" bathroom... squatting outdoors.   I usually bought my water from the dollar store but sometimes I would go down to the creek and get some water to bathe with.  

After the first few weeks the main house had electricity so we had a couple of lights, a fridge and stove.    A little later we got running water in a sink and a hose outside.  We put up and outdoor shower but by that time it was getting pretty cold to be showering outside without hot water.

I'm sure it was illegal living there... if the city knew I was living like that they would of shut the place down.  I was suppose to be helping with renovations and for a month or so there was another woman on the property.  The woman who owned the place almost never stayed the night because she didn't want to live like that and never had it together to get much done.   So I just stayed and saved money for my trailer and travels.  The last couple of weeks I finally got TicTac and slept in her at night instead of the cot in the shed.  TicTac was dryer and warmer.  I was happy to get out of that place.  I had a lot of things that grew mold because the roof leaked and was all wet.  Not happy.  Before moving in I was told it didn't leak, I would have heat, water and electricity.  The good part is it made me ready for the road.  Every time I think it is rough I think back to the shed and I know I have it good.  :D

Here are some pictures of where I lived.

 This was my home for 3 months.

We were so excited to get electricity... we lived with no street lights or anything around so it was super dark without electricity.

The shower!!  Only used it a couple of times before it got too cold.  We didn't have hot water... we just had water.

The Way You Look At It

I was just remembering this psychology class I took in college.  The professor told us to think of our first 3 memories and that is how we look at life.

My three memories:

1. I was 2 or so and my dad put me at the edge of the top bunk with my feet dangling down and left the room as I was screaming and crying.  He pops his head back in laughing at me.

2.  I use to hate using public bathrooms or going to the bathroom with men around.  I was probably 4 or 5 and my dad told me this story of a girl who held it too long, got on a hay ride and when it hit a bump her bladder exploded and she died.

3.  I got in trouble in Kindergarden because I used a color pencil on a worksheet instead of a regular pencil.

During this class I was still working on my eating disorder and I thought negative about these experiences.  1.  No one cared and I had to conquer the world all alone.  2. I was going to die from my eating disorder and 3. I was stuck in a world without color.

As I was thinking of these thoughts today they look completely different.

1.  I am the one I need to depend on.  I will not disappoint.  Other people are there and some are supportive and some may laugh but as long as I am secure with myself I can accept the support from others and dismiss those that may laugh.  The only person's opinion that matters is my own.

2.  Live for today.  You never know when it will be your last.  I don't have a bucket list because I try to do what I want when I want.  Sure I have long term goals that take a bit more to do but I am planning all the time.

3.  Use color everywhere!!!  Be yourself!!  Do what makes you happy even if you color outside the lines or use color instead of black and white.

Interesting how life, years and health can change your perspective.  Moving forward!!

Not Your "Stereotypic" Biker Chick

One of the hardest things for me is getting past the stereotypes out there for biker women along with so many other stereotypes out there.  I don't like to put myself in any category other than my name is Jackie and I really want a nick name or road name so I don't have to go by that either.

Not sure where all the biker stereotypes came from.  All the old pictures I see of bikers look nothing like what I see today.  Where did the leathers, easy women and dirty men stereotype come from?  Especially if you ride a Harley.

I had to shut myself up in the photo shop the other day.  A group of biker men came in with their vests and were talking about finding easy women, guns, liquor and all that nonsense male biker talk.  I just don't get it!  It is hard to sit there and listen to men like that putting down women.  I just stepped back and let the photographer do everything because I knew I would put them in their place like I did with a guy last summer.  haha   Last summer a guy came in with his "whores" to have them take a picture.  He sat there saying what a waste they were, that they can't ride as many miles because of the women.  I was sure to set him straight as I told him I rode over 400 miles a day pulling a trailer alone and of my adventures.  I watched as his "manhood" and his body shrunk into the sofa.  He was sure to be quiet after that.

I'm not someone's whore and never will be.  I'm not easy because I ride.  Riding a motorcycle alone has nothing to do with my sexual orientation.  Sex in general has nothing to do with the fact I ride.

I hate skulls or any sort of bones on my gear.  I don't like that everything women in the harley shop has what society calls "girl colors"... like pink.  I also don't like wings, birds, angles or naked people on my gear.  I don't wear leathers unless it is below freezing... and that is air temperature not riding temperature.  I don't wear biker boots.  I don't feel the need to join a biker group.

And of course the most important is Women can ride too.  I do everything a man does but I'm pulling a trailer. hahaha

It doesn't matter what you ride but that you ride.  It doesn't matter how you ride or how you look but that you ride.  I don't understand putting down a biker because of their gender or what they ride.

I ride because I love to see everything with the wind blowing on my face.  I love being open to the elements and open to the world.  I need the input the motorcycle gives me.  My motorcycle makes me happy.  I don't fit the motorcycle stereotype and I'm all good with being my own person.

Keep the rubber side down no matter how you ride.

Ready for the Weekend

I've been helping out at the Old Time Photo place I worked at last summer.  I was hoping working just a few days during the week I wouldn't have to deal with much.  I was wrong.  It has been busy which is good but the people are bonkers.  No personal space, bad children, boys playing with their dinkles and getting mooned are not my favorite things to deal with.

What I have realized the more firm and somewhat mean I am the more tips we get.  Works for me!  Less effort on my part. Haha

I always laugh when customers tell me that my job has to be so much fun.  I'm just not a people person and the concept of dressing people as fun fades quickly.  But there are some fun groups that make the day enjoyable.  My goal this year is to get a drunk biker dude dressed as a saloon girl and sitting up on the bar.  It will be quite the challenge but it could happen.  :)

Tomorrow starts my 3 days off and I may just crash.  Might go for a good ride Sunday or Monday depending on my other contract work.  

All in all life is good.  Getting excited about going to China in September... More on that later.  :D