First Crush

This is a difficult post for me.  I don't talk about my love life and I almost never talk about my first crush.  A couple months ago I think was the first time it ever slipped out of my mouth while visiting my friend Leigh.  Not sure how it came into conversation but I mentioned it and a streak of "Oh My God I said that out loud"... and "look cool and maybe she didn't hear me say it" came thru my mind.  She heard me and gave me a look but we didn't get into it... I might of had a horrified look on my face.  So... taking a deep breath and telling my story...

I can be completely oblivious to the whole mating thing... finding a partner in life... Love... all of that.  I'm a bit of a late bloomer you could say.  I had a crush on my first boy in 7th grade... unfortunately, everyone knew it.

I'll never forget the first time I met him.  I was in computer class and we were making calendars... back when the pixels were huge but in color.  This boy came into class late.  I had heard about him because in school the year before they mentioned a boy who had cancer in one of the near by towns.  Everyone seemed to know him but me.  I felt bad because I couldn't stop staring at him.  It had nothing to do with him being bald... I was just mesmerized.

We had our first boy/girl party and he asked me to dance.  I was in shock.  After our first dance together he even sat by me... I was so very excited.  I remember at the end of the party I had to bolt because my dad hated waiting and I left this boy in the dust.  After that I would sit in front of him in History class and he would kick me from the whole in the back of the seat.  As I said before... everyone knew I had a crush on him... and everyone knew I shouldn't because he was sick.

One week my friends tried to get me to like another boy.  They had him sit next to me after lunch in the gym.  He put his arm around me and I looked down a row or two to see my crush with his head down.  I screamed and ran out of the gym.  Yes, I know... such a pre-teen thing to do.

I visited my crush in the hospital once with a friend.  I even bought him a card I still have somewhere because I was too scared to send it to him while he was in the hospital.

I remember the day he died.... when we found out about it at school.  I was in gym and we were outside playing some sport and I was talking to a friend how I wanted to see him one more time.  We knew he was dying.  We were changing back into our clothes and someone came in to tell us to hurry up because there was an announcement.  I think we all knew what it was.  I remember sitting in the bleachers when we all found out he had died.  I remember crying for months... It also seemed to be a big thing with me... I felt somehow tainted.  Like I would be forever marked as the girl who had a crush on the boy who died.  I never dated in school... not until I was in college.  The guy I dated in college had the same first name.  I thought it was some sort of sign that I wasn't tainted anymore.

Life goes on...

Here is a song I wrote about him... many years later.  I remember being upset when I wrote it because I couldn't remember the color of his eyes... so... that may not be true... I finally gave up trying to remember and picked a color.